jueves, 12 de marzo de 2009

story

Story:

They didn´t know where they were, their hearts were beating faster than ever, they were nervous because they only knew that they had one billion dollars and a lot of problems.

A big noise sounds at the time at the door of a usual house, Alice who was next to the door felt the knocking of the door on her chest, she started to search for a lamp in her bag, but John was in the middle of the dark and in a cold room began to crawl towards the sound of Alice´s bag.

Then, he realized that he had the matches in his pocket, he lit a little part of that room, so Alice could find the lamp and she saw 10 backpacks filled with cash and jewelry. Suddenly she and John could remember almost everything. They could remember how they had stolen a bank.

It was a perfect plan; it had a little problem because they left traces of their DNA on the crime scene, and the bank´s blueprints on the vault. The police tried to catch them; they made act recreations, chemical tests, even when Alicia and John were careless the police were so close to catch them.

John was trying to reassure Alice because she though the knocking at the door was the police and because she was hiding the backpacks, the jewelry and the documents in a secret compartment. John told Alice:
-Calm down sweetie, the cops aren’t here….
-Come on, do you really want me to be calmed? Just look around what a mess! You don´t know why these documents are so important to me.-She said in dispair.
-Alright, do you want me to say, why are these documents so important for you to commit a robbery?
-This is my father´s will! This is so significant for my life because my step mother kept all the properties and the money, and I want justice for me and my mom.
-Now, if you want a part of the money you can keep it by helping me, it´s my money now. - Alice said with happiness.
-Don’t worry about it. First, we should find where the sirens come from. Alice started to get more anxious and worried.
-Don’t worry baby, please.

There was a knock on the house door. Both got nervous, desperated; she opened the door and she devised her friend Jasper, who was a cop.

They were sweating, they thought they were going to get caught by the police, but her friend covers them with the blueprints, because he knew the situation of her father´s will. They turned on the chimney of the living room and they started to speak how they planned the robbery and her revenge.
They threw the documents into the fire; no one would ever know their secret.

I think my grade is 22

21 comentarios:

  1. Hi Berenice: I want to tell you that at the beginning it was a very interesting story but I felt that you suddenly cut it! I think that you precipitate the finish of the story. However, there is a good introduction and a good story...

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  2. Hey Berenice.
    The best part of you story is the first paragraph. After that, frankly, I got confused and could only get the main ideas, the details need some work.

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  3. Hi Berenice:
    Nice story. Sometimes I felt it´s hard to follow your storie, maybe you should make it more fluent. Check this expression: "but her friend covers them with the blueprints" and at the end you didn´t write how they were going to solve the DNA problem

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  4. Hi Berenice.
    It is a good story but it was difficult for me to follow. I can say that is maybe because you repeat the same word many times; for example, in the first paragraph, you use a lot the word “they”.

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  5. Hi Berenice, I like the idea you developed, but I felt confused in the middle of your story, because you started including many details that you forgot to clarify at the end. I didn´t understand what you meant on the first paragraph "they had one are billion dollars and a lot of problems". I think the word "are" is not accurate for explaining what you want to say.

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  6. Hey Berenice:

    I think you have a good idea for your story, but maybe you had a hard time trying to develop it.

    You show a good vocabulary and your work has a good structure.

    Cheers!

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  7. Hi Berenice:
    I think your openning paragraph is good, you catch the readers attention but the story is kind of rushed and some details are not good explained.

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  8. Hi Berenice!!
    I like your story, it has a good organization and I think a complete vocabulary for your story, but you star like very excitng and finishing a little forces, well I feel like this, but I think you did a good story!!
    bye

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  9. Hi BErenice

    I like your story, but I think that the beginning was the best part, because you describe it very well.

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  10. Hi baby, I think you made a good story, you catch the reader's anttention but it gets fuzzy in the middle, anyway the subject is well developed and it has a good sequence

    Congrats!! (wink ~.o)

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  11. Hello Berenice!!!
    I think that the best part of your story are the first two paragraphs because you created a mysterious environment and I wanted to continue reading, then I got confuse because the story began to change very fast and the end is hasty.

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  12. Hi Berenice: I like the story it is a good story and have the enough amount of action and suspense, I think the only problem is that not all the problems were finished during the story and the end came all of a sudden. But I like it and think it is a good story.

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  13. Hi Berenice.
    I think your story is good, it has suspense and the idea is interesting. It needs more description in the middle and in the end. I liked your story.

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  14. Hi Berenice,

    I think your story is very interesting. Maybe it would help the reader to check the punctuation, but in general is very understandable and well structured. Good job.

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  15. Hello.

    Your story is good, you wrote an interesting opening paragraph.

    I couldn't find errors in your writing, and I think that it is well organized, I can see that you thought very well your story before writing it.

    It's nice as you Berynice :-P

    That's all I have to say. Gabriel García

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  16. Hello very nice¡¡¡

    hahahaha, well to be honest I get confused, I think that your story wasn't logical? I mean I couldn't find relation between some of the paragraphs, you just have to improve it a little...

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  17. if you give more descriptions, your story can be better, greetings

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  18. Hi Bere:
    The first paragraph was very good and kept me reading but the I got a little confused about the money and lost the main idea of the story.
    But in general it was a gret story.
    greetings
    Robert

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  19. Hello Berenice.

    Nice story. It is supposed to be a short story, but I´d like to know more about what happened before, and the way the bank was stolen, because I don´t think that you find one billion dollars in cash on banks. Perhaps they stole Fort Knox !!! who knows, your story has potential to be expanded. I like your writing but perhaps you could improve your use of English. I think mechanics, and content are all right.

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  20. Hi Berenice!
    It´s a good story with a vast vocabulary and well organized but at the end I could find the link between the first and the lasts paragraphs. You should complete and detail your story and upload it again! Good job!

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  21. hi berenice
    I enjoy your story, but I recomend you to start with a emotional opening paragraph, the structure its logical, it's like a criminal novel but there missing suspense in the story but in generally I like it.

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